The Robert Religion

So, today I went to church. And…well It didn’t go as planned. I’ll tell you the story.
So I felt like a sinner for a few weeks, and the idea of church was going through my head. I finally decided to go. I thought it was best to go when there wasn’t a service. So, a bit shy, I walked towards the confession booth. And whaddyaknow, there was a priest in there.
-On a side note, what the fuck? Are those booths ALWAYS full with priests? I mean, like in a movie. When someone enters a confession booth, there is ALWAYS a priest there. That booth must have internet or something, for him to stay that long-
Anyway, I’m getting off topic. So I entered the booth, wich is darker than you can imagine, kind of creepy really. And the slow whispering voice of a priest doesn’t help, at all. So he asked me what I wanted, calling me ‘child’. And I told him of all the wild parties, girls I looked at in a dirty way, the alcohol I consumed and all the dumb shit I did. The priest was quiet, and I had to ask if he was still there to make sure he didn’t leave the booth in disgust of my story. He slowly replied he didn’t really give a shit. Needless to say I was flabbergasted, I didn’t know what to what to say. At that point I heard a clicking noise and a weird sound. An overwhelming smell of marijuana was entering my booth through the mesh-window. I figured if my priest, who has to forgive me for my sins, is getting stoned. I should be quite safe. So I left. I knew the service, was to start in 30 minutes. So I decided to go for a little walk.

As I was walking I was overthinking the awesome parties I had these last few weeks. It was getting colder so I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and I found a breath mint. I ate some pickles for lunch so I figured a mint can’t hurt. I ate the mint, a few chews and it was gone. I didn’t remember buying, or bringing, any mints the last few weeks. I thought to myself “it’d be funny if it was ecstasy”. I never used ecstasy before, but I do some stupid shit when I’m drunk. And I get drunk way too often, who knows I might’ve bought some pills when I was drunk.
I continued to walk around, checked my phone and I decided to go back to the church. As I entered the building, with a weird feeling in my stomach, I saw lots of well dressed people. You know, the kind of people that never sin, and have sex for the sole purpose of procreation.

I took place next to a weird, smelly old lady, I smiled at her, she flipped me off. Interesting.

I can’t really remember what has been said, because at this point I’m tripping balls, so it was an ecstasy pill after all. I decided to turn on my mp3 player and listen to some music (Yeah that’s right. MP3 player, I don’t have an iPod)

I put on some Bloody Beetroots, loud enough for other people to hear it. I couldn’t care because I loved it. Then, something snapped, I took off my shirt, punched the smelly old lady (she could take a punch, didn’t even look like I hurt her) and ran towards the priests, that didn’t see me. I tackled the priest, drank all the wine and ate all the bread-things. I don’t remember anything else because I passed out. Now I am banned from church for life.

I think I need a new religion.

Now that you know my lifestyle,  do you know what religion would suit me?

-Robert


 

 

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